Sup, after over a year of lurking around tumblr, I have decided to cast aside my cloak of shadows and silence, and join the rest of you. Now to figure out how to start...
I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.
They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.
Imagine coming to a hostile alien world and being attacked by a horde of creatures that can weigh up to 3 tons, run at 30 km/h (19 mph), and bite with a force of 8,100 newtons (1,800 lbf).
By the time you realise that they can traverse water, it’s too late. The surviving members of your unit manage to make it back by shedding their excess gear and running for their lives; the slower ones were crushed to death within minutes.
You later describe the creature to one of the humans you captured, wanting to know the name of the monstrosity that will haunt your nightmares for cycles to come.
The human smiles as it speaks a single word, slowly and distinctly, in its barbaric tongue.
“Hippopotamus.”
This is giving me the biggest, creepiest grin I might have ever grinned
Imagine being the next crew to go down to earth and thinking “it’s fine, we got this. We have the weapons and equipment necessary to deal with bears and *shudders* hippopotamuses. We’ll be fine.”
And at first you are, you’ve learned how to dodge. You’ve learned where their territories are. You know how to defend yourself.
But then one night you are sleeping in your shelter. You’re in a tree covered temperate part of earth. It seems benign. There are been no sightings of the dreaded “hippos” around. Not even any bears. But there is a slight rustle of the undergrowth. You try and ignore it telling yourself it is just the wind.
Then you hear the rustle again. closer this time.
You peer out into the darkness but see nothing amongst the trees.
The rustle again and now you realise you can smell something. It’s musky and slightly foul. It’s the smell of an omen, a warning. But what of? Where is this smell coming from.
You sit up, but it’s too late. The foul smelling creature is on you. You are hit with 17kg of coarse fur and vicious bites. Long dark claws tear in to you and you are pinned down white the striped creature tries to bite your throat.
It takes some doing but you manage to wrestle free. Blood drips from your wounds and already they itch with the sign of infection. The creature has a bloodied snout, rust rad, mingling with the black and white hairs. It lets out a terrifying growl from the back of its throat and looks to attack again. It’s between you and your knife, so your only choice is to back away.
Eventually the creature gives up and snuffles off in to the undergrowth, down a hole near your shelter you hadn’t noticed before.
When you make it back to your base you once again consult the captive human.
“Badger.” they say, with a solemn nod.
One word: Moose
“Our vehicles are far superior to the local human models, in range, speed, armament, and any other metric you care to name! Nothing could possibly-”
BAMrumblerumblethumpcrash!!!
“That’s called a moose.”
“We should be free of the threat of the ‘moose’ here on our new floating accommodation”
*humans start sniggering*
“… they can swim, can’t they”
*humans start laughing louder*
….
*mid-winter*
‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! K’T'SURKIK WENT OUTSIDE AND A MOUND OF SNOW ROSE UP AND ATE HIM’
“What is this ‘wolverine’ you speak of?”
Tell me the story of the unpleasantly surprised alien invaders and their captive human remnant, getting more smug the more the aliens fail at basic scouting…
I know we’re all talking the big smash-‘em-up type animals, but what about the little ones? Are aliens prepared for spiders? Mosquitoes? Fleas? Ticks? Even humans get sick or die from some of those, who knows what the fuck they’d do to an unprepared alien.
Nobody expects the mosquitoes
Radio: “We seem to have located a colony-based life form. Primary scans seem to indicate that their dwelling consists mainly of wax and a calorically high substance suitable for our consumption. Since food reserves are minimal due the nature of this mission, we’ve elected to attempt harvest. Requesting that alpha base interrogate the captives as to the nature of this find.”
Aliens: “The captives seem to recognize the life form as… What was it, again?”
Human: “Bees! :-)”
Alien: *With somewhat resolved tone* “…Bees.”
Radio: *Nothing but screaming and the word: “BEES!!!”*
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS
War of the Worlds 2: The Eukaryotes Awaken
What sort of barbaric planet is this??
Unit: “We seem to have stumbled into a ‘desert’ area, but it also seems that there is vegetation in small patches. Advise.”
Alien: “Well, human?”
Human: “…Savannah, I think.”
Alien: “A ‘Savannah’, according to the human. Is there anything else?”
Unit: “There appears to be another feral creature, similar to the ‘house cat’. It is watching from afar. Our scan indicates that it is most likely male.”
Human: “Is it a cheetah? I think it’s a cheetah.”
Alien: “It is called a ‘cheetah’. Proceed with caution.”
Unit: “Wait, it’s moving towards us - it’s much faster than we thoUAAGH-” The radio then cuts out, shortly followed by faint screams denoting many more cheetahs attacking the unit in sudden and quick succession.
I keep reblogging this, and every installment is better than the last
Alfie had planned on spending his life aiding in marine animal conservation. A quiet life. When the aliens invaded America, well… he did nothing, because he was just an ordinary Irish citizen. When they came to Europe, well… It wasn’t ideal, but mostly they let the humans carry on with whatever they were doing that they didn’t understand. Marine zoology research was one of those things. Alfie stayed in his lab and kept working. For a few months.
Until a man in a long brown coat and black glasses somehow made his way to Alfie’s work station.
“Our information tells us your locating beacons are still online.”
That was a rather cold greeting, but whatever.
“Sure they are” said Alfie.
“I work for … a certain organization … we have intrests in your work.”
subtle, Alfie thought.
“The Aliens are setting out for Iceland in a few days. We have a…collegue… acting as a guide on board.”
“So?”
The strange man grinned
“I need access to the real-time coordiates of every orca pod in the northern Atlantic”
Alfie picked up a small device from his desk and threw it at the surprised man.
“Been making this in the last months, since, y’know, no government grants to tell me what I should be doing. You have access to data for orcas, whales, even some polar bears. Sea lions. That sort of stuff. Have fun.”
The look on the Resistance man’s face was well worth the effort he’d put into that device.
Pretend ur invasive self hating thoughts r being said to u by a 13 y/o boy on xbox live trying to get a rise out of you like
“Your girlfriend dumped you because you’re ugly”
that’s nice tim isn’t it past ur bedtime
also, if you have intrusive violent thoughts, pretend they’re being said to u by an annoying backseat driver
“drive into that pole” thanks karen or i could not do that
Perfect
you can also pretend that the Super Paranoid thoughts are being said by that conspiracy theorist in your history class
“maybe they poisoned you” maybe you should fuck off, geoffrey-with-a-g
OHH MAN I DO THIS SHIT EVERY DAY
My favorite for intrusive anxious thoughts is to pretend Spock’s behind you with an answer.
“did I lock the door-”
captain you have locked the door every day for over ten years, and it is very hard for most people to break even subconscious habits, so you most definitely locked the door
I told my new psychiatrist about how I learned this from y'all and his eyes lit up. He didn’t smile but he did nod a whole bunch of times, it was great.
I like to pretend that my intrusive thoughts are being said to me by a super uptight religious white lady
“god hates you because you don’t believe in him” “your failures are too great to be forgiven by anyone” “everything you do is wrong and you are going to burn in hell”
thanks for the input brenda but fuck right off
I would just like to say that I love you all for this idea.
“ It’s armor. On a woman. It doesn’t have to look feminine.”
If I ever don’t reblog this, it’s because I’m dead.
game devs take note
What a weird impulse. Why would you need it to look feminine? Or masculine? It’s armor to protect your body from death. Not dying should be gender neutral.
my sister says she’s getting teased at her school for liking pokemon. she’s in fifth grade. my mom is telling her that she’s too old to be playing pokemon. my sister is 10. my mom said ‘pokemon is geared towards a younger audience.’ but i’m 15, in high school, and i still play pokemon and my mom hasn’t said anything about it to me. i want to prove a point to my mom, so if you’re older than 10 and play pokemon please reblog this post!
I don’t play, but if the movie that this 18-year-old chose to watch this morning was Brother Bear, anyone, no matter how old they are, can play frickin’ Pokémon.
if you are an eligible voter in the US this coming election and bernie sanders does not have the democratic nomination
you. have. to. vote. for. hillary.
i am not fucking messing around
i am not gonna sit here while you write in names or go on some fucking strike. hillary is not on the same level as donald trump. all of you who act like that’s a hard choice are ridiculous. you vote for hillary clinton if she gets the primary. if you don’t, you give trump the presidency. clear and simple. normally i would not advocate against writing in names, but at this point writing in names would take away from hillary’s vote if she is the nominee–EVEN IF YOU WRITE IN BERNIE SANDERS, YOU GIVE TRUMP A HIGHER CHANCE AT THE PRESIDENCY, AND YOU DON’T WANT THAT.
not even a year ago y’all were laughing about donald trump. don’t fuck this up. in no world is hillary clinton as bad as donald trump.
